Boys and Girls

Today in Education 62: Adolescent development, the teacher read us this memoir of a boy describing two types of friendship. One with his friend John, who he sits outside on the porch with and smokes cigars. Brian feels uncomfortable when John says "I love you, man." and believes that the friendship he shares with his teammates in the locker room is free from "bullsh*t" and is "real."

What I immediately realized is that Brian is only able to consider the friendships he has with other men in masculine contexts that do not allow for women. Whether smoking cigars or in an all male locker room, there is no threat of him having to reveal himself either physically or emotionally to a woman. In Brian's case, and I think this is true for a large number of men, they can only construct friendships in places where their masculinity will not be threatened.

As a girl I used to watch my dad smoke cigars with his male friends and really wanted to join them. I saw no reason why it was a male only activity. Now I know, having been "socialized" not to intrude on a "male bonding activity." It is something I am forbidden from and am not welcomed into.

That being said, I always wanted to be a boy growing up. Not because I felt that I had been born into the wrong body, but because I found the rules and etiquette for boys more interesting. You hold the door open, you stand when a woman enters the room etc. As a consequence, and perhaps just a correlary to this, I find myself thinking about the world in a way that theorists would describe as "typically male." In kohlburg coding exercises, I find myself identifying more with abstract ideas instead of contextualizing and emphasizing relationships as females are "supposed to/usually do."

This has had an effect on my relationships with men and women. I find that a lot of my guy friends confide in me about relationships and how they feel about things. Women don't as much. Perhaps I am generalizing, but I think people realize that when they come to me to talk about things, they are not going to get the typical "girl" response.